The Whirlwind
Miscarriage is an often misunderstood grief. “How can you grieve someone you never met?”
Miscarriage will have you grieving the loss of your child, an expected future, motherhood, your innocence surrounding pregnancy itself. A life was formed. It didn’t make it out of the womb. But did you know that at 5 weeks gestation, DNA is already decided?
My miscarriage was my first child. Not only was I wrapping my head around being pregnant but becoming a mother. It was a life-changing moment. And then, it was all taken away a week later. That’s a lot of life change in one week. My doctors weren’t the most educational with it. They left me hanging on quite a lot when it came to follow-ups, any medications needed, and what I would experience. When I actually passed my baby, it was quite traumatic. I thought I had already gone through it since my doctors didn’t tell me to expect this. It was supposed to be my first day back at work in a week. I had stayed up all night when it started, no medicine helped. I was home alone, not prepared for what I’d be experiencing and genuinely thought I was having major complications. I had never been in more physical pain.
After waiting 2 hours in an ER waiting room, the pain left as fast as it came. Everything was over. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I went back for routine HCG level checks, the doctors were happy to see I was going back to zero (which is good because that meant you were safe from a lot of bigger issues) but all I heard was “yay! you’re definitely not pregnant anymore!”
So many emotions. So many curveballs. So much unexpected trauma and grief. I carried a lot of self-hatred and blame. Truthfully, I grieved my baby and myself. Who I was before this all hit me. I clung to Jesus, seeking answers but truthfully, I had to realize that we just don’t know why suffering happens sometimes. And that’s okay. His grace is sufficient. He is still Sovereign. He is near to the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He met me in my bed as I was breaking down and reminded me always who I am in Him, I wasn’t the lies I was near believing. I’m so thankful for a God who sees, who hears, and who comforts. I wouldn’t be who I am today. Still healing, still grieving, but still hoping.
