Healing is not Always Linear
On Sunday, I cried in a gas station over a bottle of Canada Dry.
Yep, I cried. It was my drink of choice during my pregnancy. I saw it and the already present weight of the day got heavier. Then I cried all the way to our first family gathering of the day. Then cried before the next one, and after.
As the days led up to Easter, the realization of what our holiday would have looked like if our baby lived compared to what it actually looked like haunted me.
I can’t live in the “what ifs” but it was so overwhelming to think about how we would have been announcing our pregnancy and jumping for joy with friends and family. Instead, I watched others experience joy with their little ones while I sat there with my empty womb. Heartbroken. Jealous. Sad. Hopeful. I was so many emotions. I was asking God over and over why this had to happen. Just “why?!”
It was hard to pretend to be fine when I wasn’t. I was walking around praying, praising Jesus for His sacrifice, and crying. I was quiet and had no energy to get through the day. I was doing my best to be present with family and felt guilty for coming off as rude or antisocial. I was feeling my grief extra that day, the wave of it was knocking me over. And that’s okay. Jesus was right there in the thick of it with me. He’s the only One who truly has seen every part of this journey.
That night, I cuddled my memorial bear. I cried some more. Sought the Lord and reminded myself of His promises. I had some time with my momma and we praised Jesus for how He is making beauty from the ashes through this ministry. I went to sleep, then woke up ready to take on another day.
Not every day in your healing journey will be positive. Some days, you just have to “give up” a little and stop trying to hold it together. It’s okay to feel everything. It’s okay to say “Lord, all I have is this today. I’m tired, help me.” My prayer every morning is “Lord give me strength” and I firmly believe He is the reason I am able to carry on through my day despite the hard challenges I’ve been walking through this year.
Let yourself feel. Come to the Lord with those emotions. Allow Him to be your strength. He will carry you. Healing takes time and as the Lord “binds up your wounds,” rest in Him. Be still.
