Mo(u)rning Glory
*This is an excerpt from my journal a few days after the MC*
Baby Kerr would have been born in September. Our first child, just in time for the holidays. Sadly, our daydreaming got interrupted by our sweet baby going to Heaven. I know our Peanut is safe, happy, and in the arms of Jesus. Peanut is doing just fine. But the mourning still happens. The mourning of our first baby, the pregnancy itself and now my innocence surrounding future pregnancy. Blaming myself for the loss. It has been rough.
A few days after I found out I was pregnant, I was driving to work and suddenly became anxious due to “What if’s” popping into my brain. You never know what can happen in the first 12 weeks.
And then I felt the Lord say, “Trust me no matter the outcome.”
What? Why did he say that? Was He trying to infer what was to come…. heck, was I making this up in my head?
I felt Him tell me to say it out loud that I trusted Him. Take that fear and something I can’t control out of my hands and lay it at His feet. Commit to trusting. It took me a minute, but I did. I had never heard the Lord clearly like that before. I was either talking to Him or myself in my car… And later that day, I found the first signs I was miscarrying. Definitely was talking to God.
The unwanted outcome happened. It was hard to follow that word but ultimately it brings me such peace as we heal. I still trust He is good and has a plan working for our good (Romans 8:28). My heart still aches for what could have been. I think it is only human for it to do so. And I’m so thankful that Jesus is right there with me in the pit.
A fun fact I found out: September’s birth flower is the Morning Glory. Hm. Ain’t it funny. Morning….mourning.
I learned that this flower represents love. An “unyielding love that overcomes all challenges.” It also symbolizes the “beauty of the dawn.”
It’s quite fitting that this difficult season has made me see and experience God’s unyielding, powerful, never failing love like never before. The love that brings me hope for tomorrow, awaiting and expecting the beauty of the dawn. As Psalm 30:5 says, “weeping may last through the night but joy comes with the morning.”
Our baby, our Peanut, is my mo(u)rning glory. God gave them to us for 5 weeks, us knowing them for one week. There is purpose in that. Beauty in these ashes (Isaiah 61:3). God reveals wisdom to us through seasons like these.
I believe that He is showing me just how real, present, and involved in my life He really is. Showing me that my fears, sadness, turmoil, and anger can’t scare Him. He’s with me in the darkness, the night. Holding my hand, to bring me into the morning. Each day is easier, but sometimes it can still feel so fresh. But I can see the evidence of the Lord, it’s not the pain getting easier but my response to the pain.
We will be okay.
Peanut is my “Mourning Glory,” the one God used to show me the depths of His love, grace, and intentions over my life. Isn’t it incredible how God used a life, not even outside the womb, to impact ours so greatly?
There is glory to God in the midst of the mourning, leading me to the beautiful dawn where His glory will still be.
