This Calendar

This calendar.

It hangs on the wall by my side of the bed. I wake up and close my eyes to it. When I found out I was pregnant in January, I circled the date to remember. But then chaos struck when 2 days later I started experiencing signs of miscarriage. Then a few days later was actively passing my baby. Suddenly this calendar full of exciting news turned into constant reminders. Yet, I couldn’t erase the dates. The January calendar stayed up because sadly it was all I had to prove my baby’s existence. The memories, some happy and a lot sad, were all I had. Erasing and moving onto the next month felt like erasing what happened.

As the world kept spinning and everyone moved forward, I struggled. I went to work, forced a smile, but just wanted to be home. I would see a baby and cry. I’d hear a pregnancy announcment and be depressed. However, every day, the bedroom felt untouched. Calendar the same, medications and heating pads still on the nightstand. Doctors notes on the dresser. It felt like a sacred space where life didn’t have to rush on and I could feel everything safely. No one rushing me.

Then one day, I felt slight courage to change the month. I had been thinking on it, trying to rationalize how erasing the dates didn’t mean erasing Peanut. I was starting to get a little more happy again, making plans with friends and more. Suddenly, seeing a new month didn’t scare me so much. So I took a deep breath, took it off the wall. I took a photo. And erased. I was sad yet felt a new beginning. The start of my life after Peanut, who will I be after this traumatic event?

Now, I have March on the wall. I look at all the plans made and get excited for the future. Although, I still will look at the photo of January. and that’s okay.

I want to share this to encourage and remind you that it’s okay to feel everything. To not rush your grief. It can seem dark, hopeless. Like life will never feel the same. And it’s true, you are forever marked by it. But there is hope and joy despite the grief. You can feel both and that’s okay. One day, you’ll feel a little ready to take a step forward. And little by little you heal, and the Lord is with you every step of the way. I’m so thankful for His grace and comfort.